I HAD twelve-hour duties the past week. Three consecutive twelve-hour duties that started past midnight. Yup! Honestly, I am okay with it as long as I am not under the weather. I like going on these "sleepless" duties because it takes me back to my med school days, which by the way, I struggled with due to the fact that I was awfully asthmatic and that, sadly, did not sit well with our stressful, demanding not to mention challenging hospital-based schedule! I even remember our neurosurgical rotation which required us to be on duty for straight week! I tell you, that was one difficult major struggle during that time of my life!
Ah, those were the days when the struggles were real because it was a 'given' you could not wiggle yourself out of (unless you quit medicine); it is an integral part of learning to be a doctor. I say this, not only referring to it as a rite of passage but as a means to really learn how to deal with the challenges of becoming a future health provider. I used to think of it as a "trailer" to a major motion picture called A Doctor's Life and believe me the isolated parts can be much bigger than what you normally see aa a whole! You know how we often just appreciate the end result? Well, in reality, the end is just the tip of the proverbial iceberg! It may seem to be the only thing that matters about any undertaking in life, but in truth, a lot of things went into getting that ice to float and that tip to be seen!
Funny how I still struggle with these sleepless nights now, when I had more than my usual share then (I had to repeat most of my major rotations due to my absences caused by moderate to severe asthma attacks). Yep. I still struggle with it, even when my asthma has since become under control and the actual 'duties' they come far in between. The struggle now no longer involves the process of learning the medical ropes, my challenges now involve issues of age(ing)! Hahaha.
I feel the years piling up its 'concerns' everytime I had to wake up at midnight to get ready for work. I feel my non-pathologic clinomania exponentially increasing with each successive day I needed to get up para sa ekonomiya! It just gets harder to rise and shine aa days wore on! Added to that, when my day finally ends, I feel like I have been ran over by a bus! Every muscle in my body hurts and every joint feels arthritic! Oh. My. God! I do not remember when these feelings actually started but every single day these days, they really are felt! Sometimes I am in denial about it but well the need for pain medicine makes me own up to it!
Still these sleepless nights, despite the physical discomfort that comes with it, make me feel alive and thankful. For what it's worth, it has made me realize that although my (physical) circumstances have changed, I am actually still up for the challenge! In a way I can still say that age is just a number (although it is increasing hehe). Some nights can be difficult but at the end of each day, I always have that sense of accomplishment that I have managed to stand my ground. As we get older, it is sometimes easier to just say that we are too old to do things that we used to do and try out things we have never done before. You cannot teach old dogs new tricks, as they say. Well, I say we can always try, but with caution. We can do it as long as we are careful. Really, really, really careful.
My circadian rhythm as you would imagine, is presently out of whack. I am sleepy when I should be awake and now I am wide awake when I should be sound asleep. I know that this will all become normal in a few days so I am not really worried about it. What has gotten me on pins and needles are 'thoughts" that come to mind when I lie awake at night. The scary, unsettling ones that sometimes make you wish you would have nightmares instead! Arggghh. These are questions and realizations concerning your life and how much you managed to make the most of it. Have you done enough? Do you have enough time to do more? What do you really have now? Are you really happy???
Lerrrd, tabangi ko! (Lord, help me!) I swear to God these questions haunt me endlessly when I am sleepless! It bothers me so much sometimes that I cannot go back to sleep! The questions make me shudder, panicky and feel like a total loser! Who in his right mind would ever ask these questions in the wee hours in the morning? Show of hands mentally please!
I do. Crazy right? Utter self-torture. Haay. For those who share this awful habit with me, chill. Get your freak on! Relax, take a deep breath! It is probably just midlife calling out our names! Eeek! The journeys of our lives were never meant to be calm nor smooth. It was intended to be bumpy, crazy and filled with potholes, humps and sometimes even broken bridges and roads that lead to nowhere. But it is there to hone us and prepare as well for every higher level of difficulty we are meant to overcome. It is there to sharpen our skills so that we can slice to challenges of life with increasing precision. It is there to smooth out our rough ways so that in the end, we shine like diamonds.
All is good. All will be well. We just need to hang in there, bear it and grin, no laugh about how we managed to hurdle each test in different ways and still come out smiling and proud because we managed. We endured.
Happy Sunday Everyone! :)
