LOTS of things hurt. Recently, a very trusted person, whom I have been loyal for years, accused me of things, even God knows I am not. It leads me bleeding to death, weeping soul beyond repair. It seem like the night will never ever have stars shining. But there is one thing that hurts most.
I knew him for 41 long years, my entire lifetime include this guy. He was naughty, disciplinarian but task-oriented and intelligent. Although he is a perfectionist, I grew up respecting him but I am always distant because I fear I may not meet his expectations. He made me laugh more than anyone ever did with his amazing sense of humor.
I have watched him grow old and he had watched me grown up. He is too kind to give me all my material needs; he makes sure I follow his rules. Until, I discovered we have so many issues, when he is drunk, he tells me how much he cares, but when he is not, he seldom communicates. That is why, unconsciously I rejoiced when he is intoxicated, because it is when I hear him tell me happy stories until dawn. But in the morning, again, it is like we haven’t known each other.
And that what hurts the most. Because I have never felt he loved me, when he is at his normal state. I have never touched him, sit very close to him because of the boundary he sets since the day I was born. I fear his eyes, his voice makes me tremble and I hide when I cry because tears are unacceptable.
I study a lot because failures disappoint him. I worked like there is no tomorrow, because I saw him prospers being prompt. I can work alone and I can finish it, because he hates dependent people. I can write, write from the heart, because I was alone much of my life.
I can relate to anybody, because with him I have experienced adapting to his rigid personalities. His words are strong like a knife. He criticizes so deep. He tells you of your weaknesses, front and back. He never gives a rating of a perfect ten. He always wants more; he expects for the best!
For the longest time, I thought he was always strong. I didn't notice that he is aging. And I failed to realize the very reason why he was so perfectionist, so distant, tardy-hater, criticizer and less appreciative.
Now I think that there are degrees of love. There is a love that no words are expressed. And that there is a great love misinterpreted. He didn’t take me into my dentist when I was screaming of pain, didn’t appreciate me when I won in a play, didn’t attend parents meeting when all parents came. All of those years, his presence were less.
But now, I have come to realize that my Daddy made me the way I am now. He knew that in this world are people who are insane and unfair. He made me a stronger woman who can adapt to disloyalty, adversities and struggles in life. My Dad communicated his love through his hard work and persistence. He was strict and silent all the years. But his kindness, efficiency, being responsible, quick thinking, and love in silence contained his memories.
Oh Daddy, may you rest in peace. It was so late for me to realize you are my star! Now, every night, before I sleep, I’ll start to look up searching for you among the stars. Dad, I also have loved you so much in silence.
